so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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