I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
