glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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