I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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