Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
