Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
