you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
