also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
