she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
why is half of my head shaved?
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