I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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