I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
