there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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