JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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