I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
