i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
