Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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