There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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