I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
