why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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