My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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