She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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