I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
