My nipple is on Facebook.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
