On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
