I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
