Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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