I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
