My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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