WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
This girl is more easily done than said...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
