i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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