Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
