in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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