We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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