I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
