I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i've created a new STD.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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