I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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