Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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