Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
you didnt know i had herpes?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
