I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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