she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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