You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
