That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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