No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
