just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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