Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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