You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
