We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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