i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
