So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
