turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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