probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
